What He really wants to hear

Last week I posted a long, detailed article about talking to your spouse, or anybody.  The main point was that instead of going on and on about the details, or getting defensive and blaming, we simply tell the other person how we feel.  This can be very freeing, but it takes courage to be vulnerable.  With practice, we learn to express ourselves better and truly strengthen our relationships.

But all of that can be found on the internet or from your local psychologist.  My lightbulb moment had to do with taking this a step further. 

I've been a Christian most of my life.  It's been a crazy journey, this walk of faith.  (More on that later.  Much more.)  But you'd think by now I'd know how to pray.  And I do, of course.  I can clearly recount times in my life when I've heard Jesus speak to my heart.  I've journaled my prayers, spoken them aloud, used the Adore-Confess-Thank-Supplicate method, and read books on prayer. Yet recently, I've been awakened to a new way to pray.  He whispered:

 Just tell me how you feel.  Unburden your heart.

I don't need to pray every night for my children's future;  I need to tell God how I feel about their future and surrender it to Him.

I don't need to recite long lists of requests; I need to tell Him how heavy my heart is when I hear all the stories.

I don't need to pretend that I'm ready to adore, confess, and thank; I need to tell Him how tired I am, how stuck or defeated or burdened I feel, and simply ask for His help.

The words of Isaiah come to mind:  "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me" (Isaiah 29:13). 

How many times have I come near to God--so near--with my mouth and honored Him with my lips, but my heart has been closed? 

I am convinced that the Lord doesn't want us to be anyone but ourselves in His presence.  Does this show Him disrespect?  I think not.  We are called to trust and obey, but not to be fake. 

Will you give this a try sometime this week?  Find a quiet moment and just tell God what's on your mind--what you're worried about, frustrated with or even excited about.  Take the knowledge that He knows all about you and allow His love to be a balm to your soul.  I'd love to hear your stories!

Learning how to talk

Alice in Wonderland, talking to my oldest.  Isn't she listening well?

Over the past two years, we've been learning how to talk to each other.  I'm sure my husband would prefer I talk a little less, but that's neither here nor there.  What I mean is, we are being taught how to really say what's on our minds without cutting the other person down.  The hope is that if we can learn this, we can teach it to our kids, the boys who live with us and their families.  It's been life changing.  So, let me see if I can explain it instead of going on and on about it. 

Whenever something bothers me, instead of finding someone to rant about how much that bothers me, or better yet, yell at that person for being around me when I'm bothered, I need to say how the thing that bothers me makes me feel.  For example:

I've just spent an hour cleaning up messes in the kitchen, living room and dining room.  When I left my bedroom an hour before, the bed was made and things were in some semblance of order.  Now, it's obvious that someone has been jumping on the bed, there are naked Barbies on the floor, the cat just vomited in the bathroom, and the newest Disney movie is playing on the TV for the one thousandth time this week.  

Here's how this usually plays out:

"I can't believe this room is such a mess!  All you people ever do is make messes!  I guess I will never get to do anything I want to do because I will spend the rest of my life cleaning up messes!"  And I'll start stomping around, angrily picking up toys and laundry, handling things less gently than required. 

This is embarrassingly easy to write. I've said all of these things in moments I'm not proud of.  Maybe you can relate.

My husband might take the defensive and say, "Stop it!  I've been working hard all day, I don't feel well, and I just want to chill out for a few minutes."  Or he might say nothing, and just start angrily cleaning.  Or he might try to convince me I just need to relax.  None of these responses are what I'm looking for, and whether there's more to the conversation or not, we both feel hurt and angry.  

Sound familiar?  Well, let's look at a different ending to this scenario:

"I feel so overwhelmed by the task of cleaning.  I am frustrated that my hard work doesn't seem to make a difference.  I would really like your help cleaning up so that we can all enjoy the rest of our day."

What I'm hoping to hear in return is, "I understand your frustration.  Keeping things clean is hard, especially when there are little children around.  I'll be glad to help."

While this approach may seem simple, let me point out a couple of keys:
1.  Instead of listing out what's wrong, I say how I feel.  
     I feel overwhelmed by the task of...

     I feel frustrated that my hard work... 
     I feel sad when...
    
2.  The heart wants to be validated.  This is so, so important.  I don't want to be talked out of my feelings, reasoned with, or persuaded.  That's why, unless the other person validates the feeling, no response will help.  
      I understand your (feeling word).
      I'm so sorry you feel __________.
      It must be

really hard to __________.

3. If I need help, I ask for it.  If I don't ask for it, the other person doesn't need to give it.  When I'm crying about spilled milk, I may not want someone else to clean up the milk.  I may just want a hug.  So I've had to learn to ask for help, and he's had to learn not to offer it unless I ask.  

In my next post, I'm going to talk about how all of this translates to our spiritual lives.  I'm so excited to tell you what I've figured out!

The Joy Home Fireplace

It's March.  In Georgia.  We keep saying that this is the last fire of the season.  And then it gets cold again.  So Tim builds another fire.  Oh, the warmth and the comfort, not only of the fire, but the way it gathers the group together to share stories and laughs.  Someone will get out a board game or the girls, inevitably, will put on a "show" consisting of twirls, giggles, costumes and bossy big sisters. 

I'm amazed that in this picture, you don't see all the dirt that this fire causes.  Ashes, bark all over the floor...oh well.  I will miss it though.  The Farmer's Almanac says that the last frost date for us is March 29th.  That's tomorrow!  Already, the pear trees and cherry trees are in bloom.  The grass (cough, cough) is coming up in the fields and the bright yellow of forsythia can be seen all over the county.  

It's been a long winter, though.  Let's look back for a minute more.  

We had a lot of snow, especially for Georgia!

Do you want to build a snowman?  Wait!  Too late, now it's in my head.  arg.

 Sorry about the nasty cut on my hand, y'all.  But I just had to share.  This chocolate peppermint milkshake from Sonic was so, so good.  Until next winter!

I'm not gonna cry.

Ok, here goes.  Good bye, winter!  May spring last longer than a couple weeks and may this summer be mild and full of fun.