Learning how to talk

Alice in Wonderland, talking to my oldest.  Isn't she listening well?

Over the past two years, we've been learning how to talk to each other.  I'm sure my husband would prefer I talk a little less, but that's neither here nor there.  What I mean is, we are being taught how to really say what's on our minds without cutting the other person down.  The hope is that if we can learn this, we can teach it to our kids, the boys who live with us and their families.  It's been life changing.  So, let me see if I can explain it instead of going on and on about it. 

Whenever something bothers me, instead of finding someone to rant about how much that bothers me, or better yet, yell at that person for being around me when I'm bothered, I need to say how the thing that bothers me makes me feel.  For example:

I've just spent an hour cleaning up messes in the kitchen, living room and dining room.  When I left my bedroom an hour before, the bed was made and things were in some semblance of order.  Now, it's obvious that someone has been jumping on the bed, there are naked Barbies on the floor, the cat just vomited in the bathroom, and the newest Disney movie is playing on the TV for the one thousandth time this week.  

Here's how this usually plays out:

"I can't believe this room is such a mess!  All you people ever do is make messes!  I guess I will never get to do anything I want to do because I will spend the rest of my life cleaning up messes!"  And I'll start stomping around, angrily picking up toys and laundry, handling things less gently than required. 

This is embarrassingly easy to write. I've said all of these things in moments I'm not proud of.  Maybe you can relate.

My husband might take the defensive and say, "Stop it!  I've been working hard all day, I don't feel well, and I just want to chill out for a few minutes."  Or he might say nothing, and just start angrily cleaning.  Or he might try to convince me I just need to relax.  None of these responses are what I'm looking for, and whether there's more to the conversation or not, we both feel hurt and angry.  

Sound familiar?  Well, let's look at a different ending to this scenario:

"I feel so overwhelmed by the task of cleaning.  I am frustrated that my hard work doesn't seem to make a difference.  I would really like your help cleaning up so that we can all enjoy the rest of our day."

What I'm hoping to hear in return is, "I understand your frustration.  Keeping things clean is hard, especially when there are little children around.  I'll be glad to help."

While this approach may seem simple, let me point out a couple of keys:
1.  Instead of listing out what's wrong, I say how I feel.  
     I feel overwhelmed by the task of...

     I feel frustrated that my hard work... 
     I feel sad when...
    
2.  The heart wants to be validated.  This is so, so important.  I don't want to be talked out of my feelings, reasoned with, or persuaded.  That's why, unless the other person validates the feeling, no response will help.  
      I understand your (feeling word).
      I'm so sorry you feel __________.
      It must be

really hard to __________.

3. If I need help, I ask for it.  If I don't ask for it, the other person doesn't need to give it.  When I'm crying about spilled milk, I may not want someone else to clean up the milk.  I may just want a hug.  So I've had to learn to ask for help, and he's had to learn not to offer it unless I ask.  

In my next post, I'm going to talk about how all of this translates to our spiritual lives.  I'm so excited to tell you what I've figured out!